Thread: April 1st Hat Rack joke thread. - contest ends, you guessed it, April 1st

A man his wife and mother in law were on a trip to visit the Holy Land. The mother in law passed away on the trip. The undertaker told the man that she could be buried there for $150 or shipped home for $5000. The man thought awhile then said to ship her home, to the states. The undertaker asked why he would do that when final resting place in the Holy Land for only $150 would be a wonderful final tribute. The man replied, "Over 2000 years ago a man died here was buried, and three days later arose from the dead. I just can't take that chance..."

According to unofficial sources, a new simplified income-tax form contains only four lines:
1. What was your income for the year?
2. What were your expenses?
3. How much have you left?
4. Send it in.

Junior: Moping around in the kitchen, repeatedly getting in his mothers way.
Mother: “Go play and get out from under my feet!”
Junior: “ Mom I’m awful bored, I don’t have nothing to play with.”
Mother: “C’mon over here!”
Mother: “Now pull your pants pockets inside out.” He does, she then takes scissors and cuts his pockets off.
Mother: “Now run along and don’t tell me you don’t have anything to play with!”

Two strings walk in to a bar.

The bar owner shouts, "You two get out of here! We don't serve strings in this bar!"

The strings leave but, right outside the door, one of them starts banging his head against the sidewalk and contorting himself in crazy ways.

He walks back in to the bar and the bar owner angrily asks, "Hey! Aren't you one of them strings that just tried to come in here?"

The twisted, banged up string says...

"No, I'm a frayed knot.

Your Duck Is Dead!

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1,500!" she cried," $1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1,500.

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What do you call a fish that wears a bowtie? Sofishticated!


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A lawyer gets pulled over by a police officer.

The officer asks the lawyer "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

"I haven't the foggiest idea," said the lawyer.

The officer replied, "You didn't make a full stop at the stop sign back there. You only slowed down."

The lawyer thinks for a few seconds then says, "If you can prove to me the difference between stopping and slowing down, I'll take full responsibility. Otherwise, you let me off with a warning. Sound fair?"

The officer ponders it shortly before nodding his head. "Sounds fair. Can you step out of the car please?"

Just as the lawyer steps out and shuts the car door, the officer pulls out his baton and starts beating the lawyer. After a few swings, the officer says, "Now, would you like me to stop or slow down?"

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher said, “okay, but don’t go into that field over there…”, as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, “look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!” Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. “See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want… On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!”

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull…… With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs……

“YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!”