Tools Explained

**Speck** · 10-31-2012, 11:39 AM

TOOLS EXPLAINED

DRILL PRESS:

A tall upright machine useful forsuddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh --'

SKIL SAW:

A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:

Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:

Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW:

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, tostrip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:

A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

**"G"** · 10-31-2012, 11:44 AM

yep.....thats about right

**Speck** · 10-31-2012, 11:45 AM

PRY BAR:

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:

A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Son of a b**** TOOL:

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a b****' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

**willsjwills** · 10-31-2012, 12:32 PM

I guess that's how it's done in Mo.? Sho nuff Red Neck.

**Billbob** · 10-31-2012, 01:12 PM

great 1s SPECK DID IT

**DonDon** · 10-31-2012, 01:21 PM

Bout right but ya forgot one. Crescent Wrench. - Tool typically used to strip the edges off bolts and cause blood to flow form all your knuckles - Not the same as the Son of a b**** TOOL:

but the results are the same LOL

**satdoc1** · 10-31-2012, 02:17 PM

Dont leave out Duct tape- DonDons favorite fix it for everything

**DonDon** · 10-31-2012, 02:44 PM

Yeppers but it won't get ya frustrated like those others will

**Shine Runner** · 10-31-2012, 03:49 PM

Lol! I got a few of them SOB tools too. They are a must have addition to any tool set or power tool around here. I usually keep one right next to the phone on the wall with the 911 sign hanging by it.

**GitDaGrease** · 10-31-2012, 03:59 PM

Man I have done bout ten of these examples today alone. Sitting down relaxing now, this thread is givin me some bad ju ju! Pfffft

Sent from my dang phone

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