Wake Up Everyone.....NEW

[SpeckledSlab]

I've been counting calories for six months now. I don't know about my
waistline, but my arithmetic's improving.

[Rollingrock]

[SpeckledSlab]

The Marine Gunnery Sgt noticed a new Marine Pvt. and barked at him, "Get over here! What's your name Marine?" "John," the new Marine Pvt. replied.

"Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching Marines in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his first name," the Gunny scowled. "It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my Marines by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as 'Gunny". Do I make myself clear?" "Aye, Aye Gunny!"

"Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?" The Marine Pvt. sighed. "Darling, My name is John Darling, Gunny."

"Okay, John, here's what I want you to do ..."

[Rollingrock]

[Rollingrock]

[SpeckledSlab]

A Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in the statewide safety competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.

"Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat. "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

This woke up the guy in the back seat who took one look at the cop and moaned," I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car." At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"

[SpeckledSlab]

A newbie carpenters helper went to buy lumber

First day he was sent to a lumber yard.
He walked into the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.

Not finding the materials list.

He returned shortly and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four."
"All right. How long do you need them?"

The newbie paused for a moment and said, "I'd better go check."

Still can’t find the materials list.

After a while, he returned to the office and said, -
"A long time. We're gonna build a house..."

[Retired2Fish]

[keeferfish]

[Retired2Fish]