So sorry for your loss. After reading your post, I can't help but believe that through all the darkness you have found light and a reason for living. Keep the spirit and continue to care for your body(exercise) and your soul(prayer). My son lost his wife and mother of two wonderful children to cancer and we wondered if the light would ever shine again. Now, 4 years later things have worked out and both he and the children are doing well. Just keep your faith and trust in the Lord and he will guide your way.