April 1st Hat Rack joke thread. - contest ends, you guessed it, April 1st

Please post a JOKE. We will raffle off the Hat Rack on April 1st, 2025. You can post once each day if you like.
https://www.crappie.com/crappie/atta...33607a-mv2-jpg

https://www.crappie.com/crappie/atta...6d4c5c-mv2-jpg

https://www.crappie.com/crappie/atta...64d28f-mv2-jpg

https://www.crappie.com/crappie/atta...3761a5-mv2-jpg

Super high quality hat rack. Great way to store the many Crappie.com hats you have. If you win, you'll have to post a picture of a crappie.com hat on the rack! lol

Also check out David's rod racks at the Fishing Rack Store, they are high quality as well.

Standard Disclaimer: Prizes and rules subject to change without notice.


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Visit our sponsor at the Fishing Rack Store. Click the image above.

One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole. Suddenly a loud voice from above exclaimed “there are no fish down there”.

He walked several yards away, drilled another hole and once again the voice exclaimed “there are no fish down there.” Taking a swig of beer he moved his gear another 30:yards and drilled another hole. Once again the voice exclaimed “ there are no fish down there either. Looking skyward he asked “God is that you?” “No you idiot,” the voice Replied, “I’m the rink manager”.

A policeman had worked a very long shift and was exhausted. He went home at about three AM and all he could think about was going to sleep. He goes to the bedroom and he is so tired he doesn’t turn the light on and just drops his clothes off in the floor. It is very dark and just as he is about to fall in the bed his wife says honey could you run to the store and get a loaf of bread so I can fix you French Toast in the morning. He was exhausted but he picked the clothes off the floor and puts them on. He goes down to the Convenience Store down the street. The clerk who knew him said you finally got a different job. The policeman said no but I wish. Why do you ask? The clerk says because you are wearing a Fireman’s Uniform!

I told my wife to embrace her mistakes.......she hugged me.

Why do ducks have feathers?
To cover their butt quacks!


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Blonde on one side of the river yells to the blonde on the other side, "How do you get to the other side of the River"

She yells back "You are on the other side"

A fisherman came in with a giant Bass that was longer than his arm and real heavy. On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen hand sized Crappie. The second fisherman looked at the Bass, turned to the first fisherman, and said, “Only caught one, eh?”

Why are fish poorly educated?
All the schools are below C level.

A man hires a blonde to paint stripes down the middle of a road, giving her one simple rule: she must paint at least four miles per day to keep the job.

On the first day, she absolutely crushes it—eight miles! The boss is blown away.

The second day, she paints four miles. Not as impressive, but still meeting the requirement.

On the third day, she only manages two miles. The boss raises an eyebrow but figures maybe she’s just tired.

By the fourth day, she barely scrapes out one mile. Frustrated, the boss finally asks, “What’s going on? You started off amazing! Why are you slowing down so much?”

The blonde wipes her forehead and sighs, “Well, I’m getting farther and farther away from the paint bucket!”

What kind of fish do you find in a nightgown? A nightcrawler!


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My wife called me at the bar and said if I wasn’t home in ten minutes she was going to feed my dinner to the dog. I was home in five minutes. I love the dog too much to let that happen to him.


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A man his wife and mother in law were on a trip to visit the Holy Land. The mother in law passed away on the trip. The undertaker told the man that she could be buried there for $150 or shipped home for $5000. The man thought awhile then said to ship her home, to the states. The undertaker asked why he would do that when final resting place in the Holy Land for only $150 would be a wonderful final tribute. The man replied, "Over 2000 years ago a man died here was buried, and three days later arose from the dead. I just can't take that chance..."

According to unofficial sources, a new simplified income-tax form contains only four lines:
1. What was your income for the year?
2. What were your expenses?
3. How much have you left?
4. Send it in.

Junior: Moping around in the kitchen, repeatedly getting in his mothers way.
Mother: “Go play and get out from under my feet!”
Junior: “ Mom I’m awful bored, I don’t have nothing to play with.”
Mother: “C’mon over here!”
Mother: “Now pull your pants pockets inside out.” He does, she then takes scissors and cuts his pockets off.
Mother: “Now run along and don’t tell me you don’t have anything to play with!”

Two strings walk in to a bar.

The bar owner shouts, "You two get out of here! We don't serve strings in this bar!"

The strings leave but, right outside the door, one of them starts banging his head against the sidewalk and contorting himself in crazy ways.

He walks back in to the bar and the bar owner angrily asks, "Hey! Aren't you one of them strings that just tried to come in here?"

The twisted, banged up string says...

"No, I'm a frayed knot.

Your Duck Is Dead!

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1,500!" she cried," $1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1,500.

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What do you call a fish that wears a bowtie? Sofishticated!


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A lawyer gets pulled over by a police officer.

The officer asks the lawyer "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

"I haven't the foggiest idea," said the lawyer.

The officer replied, "You didn't make a full stop at the stop sign back there. You only slowed down."

The lawyer thinks for a few seconds then says, "If you can prove to me the difference between stopping and slowing down, I'll take full responsibility. Otherwise, you let me off with a warning. Sound fair?"

The officer ponders it shortly before nodding his head. "Sounds fair. Can you step out of the car please?"

Just as the lawyer steps out and shuts the car door, the officer pulls out his baton and starts beating the lawyer. After a few swings, the officer says, "Now, would you like me to stop or slow down?"

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher said, “okay, but don’t go into that field over there…”, as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, “look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!” Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. “See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want… On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!”

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull…… With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs……

“YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!”

A cowboy walks into a seedy old cafe in Wyoming. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of meaty chili. After a few minutes of watching him just staring at the chili, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?" The old cowboy slowly turns his head towards the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, you go ahead." Eagerly the young cowboy slides the bowl over in front of him and starts spooning it in with delight! He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The site was very shocking to him and he immediately barfs up the chili back into the bowl. The old cowboy quietly says, "That's as far as I got too!"

50 shades of Grey for seniors.
Back and forth . . . Back and forth . . .
In and out . . . In and out . . .
A little to the right . . . A little to the left . . .
She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . .
Between her breasts . . .
And, trickling down the small of her back . . .
She was getting near to the end . . .
He was in ecstasy . . .
with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . .
Forwards then backwards . . . Forward then backwards . . .
Again . . . and again . . .
Her heart was pounding now . . . Her face was flushed . . .
She moaned . . . softly at first, then began to groan louder . . .
Finally . . . totally exhausted . . . she let out a piercing scream . . .
"OK, OK, I can’t back the boat in. You do it!"

What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall? :dono


Dam! :biggrin

What do you call a fish that wears a tuxedo? Fin-ally dressed!


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I actually heard this on the radio yesterday and wanted to share it.

The world is made of 3 things...
protons, electrons, and morons

Know what my grandfather said to me, right before he kicked the bucket?


How far ya think I can kick this bucket.................

So back last May I give John a ring. Tell him the big crappies are on fire at our favorite hole. John replies things are a little sticky around here right now. Let me call you tomorrow first thing in the morning. In all the years I have fished with John he was always eager to go. Regardless of how short the notice.

Sure enough 530 AM my I-phone goes off. Its John and he will be at my place in 30 minutes. As normal I hitch boat up and sure enough within a couple of minutes. John shows up in his beat up old pick up. We exchange morning greetings and off we go on an hour drive to the lake. John barely speaks the during the long drive. I chalk up to maybe he isn't feeling all that great this morning.

We launch the boat without a problem and motor over to nearby bridge. Set up shop and immediately begin hauling in huge slab crappies. Continues this way until about 1 pm. John has returned to his normal self and is chatting profusely like he normally does. Again I figure whatever was bugging him has flown the coop.

All of a sudden he stands up in the boat and removes his hat. He stands there like a soldier on parade drill. I notice a funeral procession of cars crossing the nearby bridge. As the last car disappears into the horizon. John resumes to fishing and being sit down.

I wasn't going to mention it but my curiosity finally got the better of me. After about another hour or so. I asked John you know that was mighty Christian of you . Showing the utmost respect to that funeral convoy. Never knew you in all these years to be that pious and respectful.

Well Bill, I was married to the woman for 40 years. Thought it was the least I could do.

"When I get real real bored I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving

What do you call a fish that’s been caught by the police? Jailbait

Help Line: "Hello, my name is Bob. How can I help you?

Caller: "Hi, Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem.

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs: If the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up. She goes out with 'the girls' a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, last night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home, she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse.

It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"

Why are fish so smart?
Because they live in schools!


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Memories, I put my car in reverse and thought,

“Wow, this really takes me back.”

These two guys made a pact with each other that the first one that died and went to heaven would come back as an angle after a couple weeks and tell the other one what it is like up there. The next day one of them had a heart attack and died. A couple weeks later he came back and found his buddy. His buddy says what's it like up there? He said well, I have some good news and some bad news.
The other one said what's the good news? The angle said well, we play baseball everyday. It's just a blast. His buddy says, what's the bad news? The angle said.
You're playing in Saturday's game.

This guy had a golden screw in his belly button as long as he could remember. Try as he might, he could not remove it. He found it embarrassing when ever a future partner would see it, so he stopped trying to find a wife. This made him sad. One day he found him self lying in a field feelin blue. He prayed to God to please remove the screw so he could find a partner. Low and behold a beam of light enveloped him. A golden screw driver floated down and unscrewed the screw. They floated away and the light went away. Overjoyed that he would not be embarrassed by the screw anymore and so happy he could look for a wife, he jumped for joy. Then his butt fell off. Be careful what you wish for.

My uncle was a clown for Ringling Brothers circus, and when he died all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Herewego

Why are fish so smart?
Because they live in schools!


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---

must not have been a public school

What do you call a fish with no I

a FSH

Or could be

What do you call a fish with one I

a FISH

Did you hear about the guy who called the police because he saw some people stealing things out of the shed in his back yard? The police asked him if they were in his house and he said, "No." Then the police said that all units were busy and he should lock his doors. They would send someone as soon as they could.

The guy hung up, waited 30 seconds and called back. "I just called you about the people stealing things out of my shed. Well, don't worry about it, I shot them."

In less than five minutes, police cars screeched into his driveway, sirens blaring, and caught the thieves red-handed.

"I thought you said you shot them," said the officer.

"Thought you said no one was available," he replied.

Where does a one legged waitress work?


IHop


What has six legs and 12 teeth?


Night shift at Waffle House

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

An Amish husband, wife and son travel to the city on vacation. They visit a shopping mall and while the mother is shopping, the father and son are standing in awe in front of an elevator (having no idea what it is). As they watch, an elderly lady walks into the strange silver doors and the doors close. The father and son watch as the numbers go up, and then back down. When the doors open, a beautiful young woman walks out. The father leans over and whispers to the son, "Son, go get your mother!"