Fun with a tazer. (Long but worth it!)
:eek: Not fishing related, but pretty funny. It's been around the internet a couple of times but it makes me laugh every time I read it. See if you can get through reading it to your wife (I couldn't and still can't). We both nearly die laughing.
Eddie
>
>ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS (and only to make sure his
>mate was safe)
>
>This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely
>wife a "Pocket Taser" for their anniversary.
>
>The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was
>looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni.
>Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn
>Shop that sparked my interest - 'Pocket Taser Stun
>Gun, a great gift for the wife'. The Pocket Taser Stun
>Gun is a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The
>effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived,
>with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,
>allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....
>WAY TOO COOL!
>
>Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
>home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the darn
>thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
>disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
>button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the
>same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity
>darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
>Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that
>burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
>
>Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking
>to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only
>two triple-a batteries,... right?
>
>There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
>intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading
>the directions and thinking that I really needed to
>try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I
>must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a
>fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is
>such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this
>thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger!
>, I did want some assurance that it would work as
>advertised. Am I wrong?
>
>So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top
>with my reading glasses perched delicately on the
>bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in
>the other. The directions said that a one-second burst
>would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second
>burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major
>loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
>purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground
>like a fish out of water.
>
>Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting
>the batteries.
>
>All the while I'm looking at this little device
>measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
>circumference; pretty cute really, and loaded with two
>itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself,
>"no possible way!"
>
>What happened next is almost beyond description, but
>I'll do my best.....
>
>I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her
>head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it
>master." Reasoning that a one-second burst from such a
>tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad....
>so, I decided to give myself a one-second burst just
>for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked
>thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF
>MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!
>
>I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the
>side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body
>slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over
>again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
>fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking
>wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
>found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the
>oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was
>standing over me making meowing sounds I had never
>heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to
>herself, "do it again, do it again!"
>
>Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself
>with a taser, one note of caution: There is no such
>thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You
>will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
>from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the
>floor. A three second burst would be considered
>conservative.
>
>SON-OF-A------ that hurt like he--!!!
>
>A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a
>relative thing at that point), I collecte d my wits
>(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the
>landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel
>of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My
>triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
>twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with
>Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still
>looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant
>reward for their safe return.
>
>Still in shock,
>
>Tommy
>
