Duck Hunting Funny

“Blind Mallard!” Now how in the Heck does he know it's blind I thought to myself as Nick yelled it into my ear from over my cell but I am getting ahead of myself. You see I was hunting out of a layout boat and it had been a real doozy of a day. Even on the best of days my faculties aren't all that great but the last 12 hours had been a real doozy let me tell you...

First off, I hadn't gotten any sleep the night before. Between my restless legs and palpitating heart I just could not get to sleep even with all the (legal) drugs I had pumped into me. I had hit the hay before 10 PM as I had to leave by 2 AM but the legs and heart kept me awake tossing and turning. So at 2 AM I hit the road and before I hit the city limits was pulled over for speeding! However, he took one look at me already dressed for hunting ducks and saw how disheveled my appearance was and provided me with a waring ticket and cautioned me that there had already been one rollover that night due to icy roads.

That interlude put me 10 minutes behind but it could have put a severe dent in the pocket too so there was an upside. As I got near Nick's meeting spot I called to let him know I was running behind but would be there shortly – only 5 minutes late. Well he had another friend coming and this would be his first time waterfowling so hopefully we could teach him something...

We headed out in one vehicle and arrived at the ramp where there were already three or more there but Nick put in quickly. However I had to pull him out as the ice had been so thick that the motor wouldn't drop. That was quickly remedied and we got in the boat from the edge of the ramp. Usually this wasn't an issue but for some reason as I slid myself over the edge I slipped and crushed my left nut but toughed it out as we sped across the water. Since I was holding my own and hadn't thought about how cold it was – just the ache in my nethers – I failed to pull my hood up and when I did I realized I didn't know where my face mask was. Talk about frostbite! But again, I toughed it out...

Well the first spot was taken (thanks guys for not shining a light as we motored all the way there) and it was more frostbite as we went to where he had been the day before. Using layouts is a hoot as you put out your decoys and then place the layouts and this time (thankfully) we were going to be hunting out of them in fairly shallow water. Nick went over the side to start the unloading process and as I never want to be someone who doesn't at least try to assist, decided to go over the side and help.

Remembering my left one I tried to keep it safe as I went over I got my foot caught and over the side I went and into the water. Did I mention how cold it was? Well, I was only wet from my above my navel and down both legs and into my waders but I was a big guy and would tough it out...

We got ourselves into the layouts and began our wait. And as I had brought a thermos of HOT chocolate I knew that I would be okay even as my waders and pants began to freeze and stiffen. Even with the winds at our backs I was getting a little chilly and just couldn't get comfortable. Plus, I kept trying to doze off due to lack of sleep. Even with the fear of hypothermia I knew I would be okay as I was a tough guy...

Finally, around 8 AM when we hadn't fired a shot I decided to take a walk (as we were near enough to the shore) just so I wouldn't get the shakes. An hour later and still no shots I returned to the layouts whereupon they had decided to call it a day. A little disappointed that no one had even fired a shot, I was okay with that as I knew that what had happened to me over the previous 11 hours would soon have its impact so they went to get the boat while I rested in the one layout. Now they had quite a hike and after they were out of sight I decided to take a leak as I had been wanting to go since 7 AM! As I was writing my name in the snow (short hose, long backed up stream) I thought I heard someone yell but what did I know as I was getting a little punchy and that is when I heard a phone ring. Not believing it was mine as I thought I had either left it in the Jeep or had ruined it from my dunking, I was pleasantly surprised to discover it was in a dry pocket of mine!

As I answered it I heard Nick scream, “BLIND Mallard! There is a BLIND Mallard in the decoys!!!” I kind of chuckled as how did he know there was a duck in the decoys and while I know he is good but how could he tell it was a BLIND duck? Well, I looked around and sure enough there was a duck on the outside edge of the decoys but here I was with my you-know-what in my hands making yellow snow! I quickly finished (boy does that hurt when you aren't done) and put down the cell which was on speaker and picked up my shotgun. But what the Heck was this duck? It looked like no other I had ever seen and it must be blind to have flown over me and land 30 yards away as I was peeing!

Well, whatever species it was it was definitely a duck, albeit maybe someone's farm duck and I took the first shot but missed. As it flew off I threw a second and finally third where I dumped it. Hallelujah, we were not blanked! A few minutes later as Nick motored over I heard the rest of the story. As they had approached the boat this duck had been sitting under the boat out of the weather and had flown off to land right next to me where I was standing with my pecker in my hands – literally! And while I had thought Nick was yelling BLIND Mallard he was actually yelling BLOND Mallard!

Now I had never heard of a BLOND Mallard and this was only the second one Nick had even seen. And here, the one guy who went through all sorts of Hell the previous 12 hours and had shown the first-timer what not to do, was the one who scored a true trophy!! My sincere thank you to Nick and to the waterfowl Gods who put me through all the adversities but had bestowed upon me this unique bird which currently resides in my freezer until I find a taxidermist to do it for me. By the way, does anyone wear a cup while they waterfowl hunt...
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Never seen a blond mallard before.:eek: Cool!:) Enjoyed the story...now go take care of urself.;):D:D

Never even heard of a blond Mallard. Way to go Torch, and sorry bout the left one, you still got one left, I mean right, right?

That's a first for me too. Great story. I do know about the restless legs. Thank God for Requip.

Congrats on the duck Torch. I laughing so hard at the story, I bout fell out of my chair

Dang Torch, ONLY YOU my friend can have things like this happen to them. Least ya wasn't squatting AHH HAHAHA

nice read for sure, never heard of a blond duck, but I have heard of one tough duck hunter and it be you.

Hey torch...it ok if i email a pic of that to a friend of mine that has a guide service / duck camp in Stuggart? Well and along with the story as well...lol

ohhhh...and I'll post his sight too here in case some of you all may wanna hit him up and go sometimes too...

Welcome To Stuttgart Hunting Club

Enjoyed the story..... I don't think that blonde had more fun tho.... :(

Sounds like a normal trip with you Torch haha

Never even heard of a blond Mallard. Thats a nice mallard

If I hadn't seen the picture, I might've thought you were taking some long pulls on the Southern Comfort--- blond ducks and all. Reminds me of why I quit duck hunting.

That boy is sure proud of his duck hunts. $350.00 per hunt? I* quit duck hunting to soon. If I had charged for hunts 35-40 years ago, I'd be rich by now. Check out warsawbottomhunting.com.

thats pretty cool. i had a hunt like that before falling in ice water after i got my truck stuck and then had to answer natures call and dang it if my stupid mutt just had to roll around in the result of natures call horrible day but GOD bless the freedom to do so!!!!!!!!

At spring camp we'll have to let Torch tell some of his other stories.... He's got some good ones