At my Assault trial yesterday
At my recent assault trial, I offered a plea of "Guilty with an explanation."
The judge asked me what my explanation was, so I told my
story. "Your Honor," I said, "I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met with: 'Hi! I'm Belinda!' This perky clipboard carrier
smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, 'All I
need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then
slip on this gown. Everything clear?'
I'm thinking, 'Belinda, try decaf. This isn't rocket science.' Belinda
skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the
left and said, 'Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so
we can get everything?' 'Fine', I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and
out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and
finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity
(with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard a strange noise and then felt a zap!
Instant and complete darkness as the power went off! 'Oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag.' Belinda said, and headed for the door. 'Excuse me!'
You're not leaving me in this vise are you? Surely there's a way to get me out?' I shouted. Belinda kept going and said, 'Oh, it's ok...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back.'
Before I could shout 'NOOOO!' she disappeared. And that's exactly how
Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me .... half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed between glass! After exchanging a polite 'Hi, how's it going' type greeting,
Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power
was off.
Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as
possible 'Uh, yes, yes I did thanks.' 'You bet, take care' Bubba
replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the
grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no
attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, 'Oh I am sooo sorry!' The
power must have come back on while I was gone to lunch. Are we upset?' I totally forgot about you!'
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps...."
The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said 'Case Dismissed!!' :eek: :D
