An Argument with the Red Baron

“Ouch, that hurts” is what I thought I heard as I pounded a piece of steel on my workbench. Either I’m hearing things or I just smashed my finger with a hammer and my brain is trying to tell me to react to pain before it actually runs from my fingers up to my nervous system. “Down here you idiot”. Now I know I’m hearing things. Last time I checked, ice skimmers are not supposed to talk.

“What the heck do you think you’re doing”? Well, I’m trying to fix you. I don’t like your current setup so I’m trying to make you more user-friendly. “Where is your favorite skimmer”? I sensed disdain coming from the voice in my head. Against better judgment, I decide to continue this debate. Well, It got lost I replied. “How did you lose your favorite skimmer” it smirked. Well, I didn’t lose it. I blame it on a cinnamon roll. “How in the world does a cinnamon roll lose your skimmer”? The cinnamon roll didn’t lose my skimmer moron, but it caused the loss of the skimmer. “This I gotta hear” it laughed.

Well, you know I had my gall bladder removed a couple years back. “How on earth do you expect me to know that? I’m an Ice skimmer”. Okay, so I had my gall bladder removed a few years ago. “What’s a gall bladder”? I asked the same question. Anyway, as a result of having an organ removed, if I eat anything I need to find a bathroom within 15 minutes otherwise, I need to find a clothing store. “You got problems”. Tell me about it. So, there I was, heading to meet up with a buddy to go ice fishing. It was in the morning, my stomach was growling, and I thought I was hungry. I stopped at a gas station for something to drink and saw the cinnamon roll. The rest is history. “That still doesn’t explain how you lost the ice skimmer”. I didn’t lose the ice skimmer idiot. Let me finish.

So I use the auger to punch a couple of holes and I start to feel the effects of the aforementioned cinnamon roll. Fortunately for me, I carry toilet paper for just such an occasion. I tell my buddy (who is new to ice fishing) to skim out the holes while I find a tree to lean against. “Was it a big tree”? I don’t remember the tree, just stick with me here. The last words I said to him before I found the tree was “Don’t lose my skimmer”. I was not even finished with my transaction before I heard the famous last words “Uh oh”. “So, the cinnamon roll didn’t lose your skimmer”. Not really, but had I not eaten that roll I would not have relied on him to skim the holes thus I would not be talking to you today.

“Why do you even have me”? Well, I forgot my favorite one day so I stopped at a bait shop, you were two bucks or something like that, I needed a skimmer, and you were made of metal (which I prefer) so I purchased you. “And then you never used me again”. Well, you were not my favorite. I made him. You were just a cheap date to get by. Now, it is the middle of fishing season, I can’t find a good metal one in the store, and I don’t have a welder or torch in my shop to build a new one. “You forgot your favorite? That is like forgetting a child someplace”. Hey, that was only once. How did you know about that?

“So, Mcguyver, how do you plan to turn me awesome”? Well, I’m going to affix a longer metal rod to your flat handle, put a bend in it so I can hook it to my pants, and then paint you up. “Where did that metal rod come from”? I took it from that rototiller over there that has a ceased up crank case. “So now I am an ice skimmer and a weed wacker”? No moron, I don’t own a weed eater, I don’t like my lawn that much. “Okay, but without a welder, how do you put that square peg in a round hole”? I will use this rope to wrap around you, make a really cool handle, then utilize electrical tape to waterproof you, and heat it up with the 100,000 BTU heater to shrink it all down. “That sounds painful”. Maybe for you!

“I look like a fool”. Ya and you weight about 100 pounds too. I’ll bet I can use you to spud a hole before I use you to skim the ice. “Can I at least have a cool paint job or something”? I have three colors. I have ugly green, pink, and sunrise red. “Ah, that is an easy choice”. Pink it is then. “You better not”. Okay, we should be able to see red really good when I toss you across the ice when someone needs a skimmer. “You didn’t mention anything about flying”. You might like flying. “You stick your head in freezing water a couple hundred times a day and then get tossed across the lake and see how you like it”. If I could do all that, I wouldn’t need you. “Can I have a cool nickname”? That is a good idea. That way a buddy can shout for old red instead of a skimmer. “But I’m not that old. I’m not really fond of old red either”. Well, you go flying across the ice a lot, how about The Red Baron? “The Red Baron, who is that”? He was some Germen guy that flew a plane. They are called pilots. “So, I’m gonna be a pilot”? Well, you are going to fly so I guess you can be a pilot. “Can I talk with an accent”? You can do whatever you want. “Okay, but no more cinnamon rolls before early morning fishing trips”! Good idea.
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