WRITINGS OF STEVEN WRIGHT...good stuff
WRITINGS OF STEVEN WRIGHT
1 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
2 - Half the people you know are below average.
3 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
4 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
6 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
7 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
8 - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
9 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
10 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
11 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
12 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
13 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
14 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
15 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
17 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
18 - I intend to live forever.... So far, so good.
19 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
20 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
22 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
23 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.
24 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
25 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
26 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
27 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
28 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
29 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
30 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
31 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
32 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
33 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
And the all-time favorite
34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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