New mexico chili cook off...
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then
there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This
is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chile
cook-off in New Mexico .
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay
attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third
judge is even better.
For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you know
how true this is.. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about
the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion
of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza Judge #3 was an
inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting
from Springfield , IL .
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at
the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the
judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light
truck, when the call came in... I was assured by the other two
judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be
all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILE
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing
kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the he!! is this
stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway.
Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the
worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.
CHILE # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILE
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be
taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides
pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chile. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I
ignite Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is
in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced
from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chile with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side
dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chile.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue,
but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste
buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with
fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ..
just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chile an
aphrodisiac?
CHILE # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chile. Jalapeno peppers freshly
ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chile using shredded beef, could use more
tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong
statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and
four people behind me needed paramedics. The
contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chile had given me
brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm
burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other
judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILE # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chile.
Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled
with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I
farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.
No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally.
Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt
with a snow cone.
CHILE # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chile with too much reliance on
canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw
in a can of chile peppers at the last moment. **I should
take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears
to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull
the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in
one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing
water. My shirt is covered with chile, which slid unnoticed
out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too
painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need
air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my
stomach.
CHILE # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILE
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice
blend chile. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its
existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chile.
Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost
when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the
chile pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to
really hot chile?
Judge # 3 - No Report..
