Start Your Weekend With A Smile
OLD AGE TEXTING CODES:
ATD -at the doctor.
BFF -best friend fell.
BTW -bring the wheelchair.
BYOT -bring your own teeth.
FWIW - forgot where I was.
GGPBL -gotta go, pacemaker battery low.
GHA - got heartburn again.
IMHO -is my hearing aid on?
LMDO -laughing my dentures out.
OMMR -on my massage recliner.
ROFLACGU -rolling on floor laughing and can't get up.
TTYL -talk to you louder!
Just had to pass this on!!!
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Circle Flies
A cowboy from Texas attended a social function where Barack Obama was trying to gather support for his Health Plan. When Obama discovered the cowboy was from President Bush's home area, he started to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.
As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"
Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."
"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "Circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
"Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling.
But, a moment later he stops and bluntly asks,
"Are you calling me a horse's ass?"
"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their president a horse's ass."
"That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.
After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says,
"Hard to fool them flies, though
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A Blonde's Year in Review
January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!
March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....
Box said ' 2-4 years!'
April
Trapped on escalator for hours ...
Power went out!!!
May
Tried to make Kool Aid.....wrong instructions....
8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June
Tried to go water skiing.......
Couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition....
Learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm......
Car swamped because soft-top was open.
September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???
October
Hate M & M's.....
They are so hard to peel.
November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ....
Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!
December
Couldn't call 911.
'Duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!
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Blonde & Her Dog
One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.. Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'
The blonde said it was hers.
'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.
The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.'
The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'
'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin.'
The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'
(You gotta love this)
The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'
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Sex Frogs
A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully."
The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the girl calls the pet store.
The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over." Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
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FARTING AT TIFFANY'S
A LADY WALKS INTO TIFFANY'S
.. SHE LOOKS AROUND, SPOTS A BEAUTIFUL DIAMOND BRACELET AND WALKS OVER TO INSPECT IT...
AS SHE BENDS OVER TO LOOK MORE CLOSELY, SHE UNEXPECTEDLY FARTS...
VERY EMBARRASSED, SHE LOOKS AROUND NERVOUSLYTO SEE IF ANYONE NOTICED HER LITTLE WOOPS
AND PRAYS THAT A SALESPERSON WAS NOT ANYWHERE NEAR...
AS SHE TURNS AROUND, HER WORST NIGHTMARE MATERIALIZES
IN THE FORM OF A SALESMAN STANDING RIGHT BEHIND HER...
GOOD LOOKING AS WELL .. COOL AS A CUCUMBER, HE DISPLAYS ALL OF THE QUALITIES ONE WOULD EXPECT
OF A PROFESSIONAL IN A STORE LIKE TIFFANY'S....
HE POLITELY GREETS THE LADY WITH, 'GOOD DAY, MADAM .. HOW MAY WE HELP YOU TODAY???
BLUSHING AND UNCOMFORTABLE, BUT STILL HOPING THAT THE SALESMAN SOMEHOW MISSED HER LITTLE 'INCIDENT',
SHE ASKS, 'SIR, WHAT IS THE PRICE OF THIS LOVELY BRACELET ??'
HE ANSWERS, "MADAM .. IF YOU FARTED JUST LOOKING AT IT
- YOU'RE SIMPLY GOING TO CRAP YOUR PANTS WHEN I TELL YOU THE PRICE .
