Suicide Bombers on Strike

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the
number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management :Dhave so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide
bomber would receive after his death will be reduced in January from 72 to only 60. The rationale for
the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent
shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (B.O.O.M.) responded
with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike
action. General secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working
themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this
by management is a kick in the teeth."

Mr. Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected
to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone
was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be
pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the
people who do the real work?"

Speaking from the cave in the West Midlands where he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive
Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not
in a position to meet their demands. They are not accepting the realities of modern-day jihad in a
competitive marketplace.

Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight
choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to
have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up." He defended
management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good fanatical clerics. "How am I
supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden.

Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme
was rejected outright. Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers
will lay down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the
North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working. However, some
members of that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with
their striking brethren.

Spokespersons in the North East of England, Swindon, North Kent and the entire Australian
continent stated that this would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas
anyway".