WRITINGS OF STEVEN WRIGHT

1 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

2 - Half the people you know are below average.

3 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

4 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

5 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

6 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

7 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

8 - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

9 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

10 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

11 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

12 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

13 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

14 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

15 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

17 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

18 - I intend to live forever.... So far, so good.

19 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

20 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

22 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

23 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

24 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

25 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

26 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

27 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

28 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

29 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

30 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

31 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

32 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

33 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

And the all-time favorite

34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

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