Chronological Account of the Worst Fishing Trip of My Life

[eminart]

Most of my saturday and sunday afternoon were used up painting kitchen cabinets. But, I did get out and have some "fun" Saturday night.


This is a true account. If some parts seem dumb, they were. If the mosquito numbers seem exaggerated, know they are conservatively estimated to protect the weak.


5:30 pm Decided to take my kayak on a night fishing trip for the fist time in search of crappie.
5:40 Opted to wear shorts and sandals to make launching kayak easy. Insect repellent is in my truck.
6:45 pm On the way, remembered I didn't bring any water to drink. Not a huge deal, stopped and bought Gatorade, but an ominous sign, in retrospect.
7:10 pm Insect repellent is NOT in truck. Remember it's in Jeep at home.
7:15 pm Loading gear into kayak at the water. Remembered I didn't bring anything to light my lantern. Latern is crucial for the fishing technique I'd planned to use.
7:20 pm Search truck for anything resembling a lighter or match.
7:27 pm Search river bank for anything resembling a lighter or match.
7:35 pm Try to light various pieces of paper and grass on fire using my truck's built-in lighter. Doesn't work, only smolders.
7:45 pm Desperation sets in. Connect jumper cables to truck battery and try to light lantern by sparking them together. Never do this, see 12:01 am. Also, doesn't work.
8:00 pm Decide to make do and fish as best I can with the two flashlights I have.
8:05 pm Begin paddling.
8:05:30 Swarmed by every mosquito in northern Alabama and southern Tennessee.
8:20 pm Arrive at spot I'd previously decided would be great for night fishing. Weak from mosquito blood loss, but eager to fish.
9:20 pm There isn't a single fish in this lake. Legs and arms are one continuous welt from the hundreds of mosquito bites.
10:00 pm Missed the first bite I'd had due to swatting mosquitoes.
10:02 pm Missed the last bite I had due to swatting mosquitoes.
11:30 pm In an anemic haze, my brain tells me if I don't get back to my truck, I'll die in this spot.
11:55 pm Arrive at truck, load gear, eager for a shower, some sort of itch relief, and my bed.
12:01 am Turn truck key. Battery is dead.
12:01 am Sob.
12:05 am Pop the hood and stare at the battery.
12:06 am Turn the truck key again. Staring didn't work.
12:10 am Settle in for a night of truck sleep.
12:30 am Sweating and suffocating. Crack windows slightly.
12:50 am Sweating and suffocating. Fighting a hundred mosquitoes.
12:55 am Roll up windows. Continue losing battle with mosquito horde.
1:02 am Watch car drive slowly past my turnoff in the middle of the woods.
1:05 am - 2:10 am Close eyes for two minutes, open them, turn on flashlight, kill three mosquitoes. Repeat every two minutes.
2:11 am Watch creepy car go back the other way.
2:12 am - 4:30 am Close eyes for two minutes, open them, turn on flashlight, kill three mosquitoes. Repeat every two minutes.
4:30 am Notice dawn is coming.
5:30 am Get out of truck steambox and breathe fresh air.
5:40 am Watch my last sunrise.
6:30 am Eat five blackberries for breakfast.
6:45 am See surface activity. Cast jig and catch small bluegill.
6:46 am Consider eating bluegill. Remember I have no fire. Hate sushi. Choose death. Throw bluegill back.
7:15 am Creepy car returns. Flag him down and ask for a jump.
7:18 am In my weakened state, connect jumper cables backwards and melt them.
7:30 am Strip insulation from cables and jerry-rig them. Truck starts.
8:00 am Shower.